Month: February 2009

Kindle 2: First Thoughts

After stewing over it for quite some time, watching Amazon’s marketing videos more than once, and seeing that I had just enough Amazon credit to cover its purchase, I decided to order a Kindle 2. I know that over the holidays shipments of the Kindle 1 had been delayed, so I was quite surprised that the Kindle was delivered on time this Wednesday after having ordered it only over the weekend.

The Presentation

The Kindle 2 packaging is entirely black on the outside and stark white on the inside. The quick start instructions are in the form of an accordion-style foldout that is also black on one side and entirely white on the other, where the instructions are printed. The secondary ink color on the quick start guide is copper and just doesn’t seem to match. I can’t imagine why it was chosen.

But nevermind the quickstart guide, because I didn’t actually read it. Because the eInk technology doesn’t use any power to preserve what’s been drawn on the screen, beginning instructions for use are right on the Kindle 2 when you open the box. Underneath the Kindle is the power cord, which can alternately plug into a standard AC outlet, or a USB port on the computer. I’m not sure how long the Kindle took to charge initially as I plugged it in and left it charging (it was fully charged when I woke up).

The Kindle 2 feels very solid. The front is crisp white. The back is mostly brushed metal with about 1 inch of grey plastic at the top (where I imagine the cellular antenna is). The buttons feel sturdy and it takes a fair amount of pressure to engage them (but not too much, just enough to avoid accidental pressing). The off switch is a small metal slider and I find it to be a bit on the small side.

Turning it On and Reading

When I powered on the Kindle 2 it had already been pre-registered with my account information and name. I enjoyed seeing “Christie’s Kindle” when starting it for the very first time. I’ve heard that Kindle 1 owner’s materials are transferred automatically to their Kindle 2, which seems like a pretty nice feature.

I haven’t done much reading yet on the Kindle, probably about an hour’s worth, but thus far it’s been very pleasant. The eInk is definitely easier to read than my laptop screen. When turning pages, there is a slight delay and a near-solid flash of black while the display redraws. At first I found this a bit slow and annoying. But now I’ve become accustomed to it and it’s become far less noticeable.

User Interface

The user interface of the Kindle 2 is not superb, but it’s not horrible either. During my first session with the Kindle 2 I got a bit lost in the menu system. I’d hit Menu or Home and end up somewhere other than expected. I found myself thinking a few times after a misstep, “Oh, that’s where the Home button goes, I’ll have to remember that.” So for me, the navigation takes a bit getting used to.

I like the buttons on the Kindle 2. It’s nice having “Next Page” buttons on either side of the device so that I can hold it in either my left or my right hand. The joystick control, which is essential to menu navigation, is functional for the most part. I’ve pressed down on it accidentally only a few times. For someone with less dexterity this could be more of an issue, however.

Content

If you’re a new Kindle user, the only piece of content you’ll have on your device at start up is the user guide. I scanned through this quickly, mostly to get a feel for the Kindle’s navigation. Then I launched the Kindle Store and subscribed to the New York Times. The process of subscribing to the Times was nearly effortless and I’d say in under a minute I was reading that day’s issue. As with the overall user interface, I found myself wishing the user interface for the NYT to be a bit more robust. For example, you’re able to see and navigate through a list of sections for each issue of the Times, but you aren’t able to see a list of the articles in each section. Instead, you have to jump to the start of each one sequentially. This isn’t a deal-breaker for me, however, as flipping through each article is quick.

I did encounter two disappointments with the content available on the Kindle 2. The first is the unavailability of my Amazon Wishlist. I have tons on books in my wishlist and it would be nice to see, on my Kindle 2, items from my wishlist that are available in Kindle format. The second disappointment is that blog access is not free. Slashdot, for example, requires a monthly subscription of $1.99 (or $2.99, I forget which). It makes sense, of course, as these subscription costs are part of how Amazon pays for the cost of Whispernet (the cellular connection from Sprint via which the Kindle connects to Amazon content).

I do love the dictionary look up feature. You simply navigate to any word that you see, press the joystick down and the definition instantly appears at the bottom of the Kindle’s screen. Very handy.

Overall

Overall I am happy with my purchase, though I do think it will take a bit of adjusting to really get into using the Kindle. Not because it’s not easy to read off the Kindle (it is, quite). It’s because it doesn’t quite have the same feel as a book and so I feel slightly disconnected from the material. However, I feel this disconnection much less intensly than I do when trying to read on my laptop. I think with time the Kindle’s ease of use, portability and additional features like instant dictionary lookup will trump this disconnect.

Deciding to Work with My Inner Critic

I was talking with my mom this weekend about how I feel a great amount of anxiety after leading a group or even just socializing in a group setting. In these situations I don’t feel any anxiety at the time, while I’m with the group. Things are usually going well and I’m usually having a good time. The anxiety comes later, after I’ve returned home and usually when I’m settling down to sleep.

It’s during this quiet time that my inner critic starts to shout: “What have you done? You’ve given too much of yourself away.” Then a feeling of dread flows down my body and tightens in my stomach. It feels awful and makes it difficult to fall asleep. Recently I’ve been able to cope with these feelings rather well, at least compared to how I handled such anxiety in years past. I’ve become more adept at focusing on my body and noticing where it feels tension. I breathe and follow that breath in and out of my body. Eventually I’m able to fall sleep.

But I’d like to find the source of these feelings and eliminate them, or at least learn how to work with them better. I’d like to feel confident of the value I bring to a group and not feel anxious just being me and being fully present.

What really surprised me in talking with my mother about my experience is when she said she experienced something similar in the first years after she left my father. She described some of the thoughts that would come to her mind and I realized they were the same thoughts that my inner critic speaks to me. Things all along the lines of “don’t reveal too much about yourself” and “don’t tell anybody anything they don’t absolutely need to know.”

I shuddered a bit. These are all the words of my father, who drilled into us at every opportunity that we should keep our cards close to chest, never let anybody in, never foster community, etc. My father is not a well man. He fits the profile of an individual with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. He feared healthy socialization and actively dissuaded us from it and sometimes punished us for it.

So it’s no wonder that I experience anxiety when around social groups. I was already aware that I have a strong inner critic. What I realized in talking with my mother is the extent to which I often don’t perceive the presence of my inner critic. It’s more pervasive than I thought. For example, I know that I often get headaches. But yet, there will be days where I suddenly realize I’ve had a headache for the past several hours. The pain, for whatever reason, in these cases becomes a kind of background noise, casuing suffering yet going undetected.

So I’ve decided I’d like to get better at detecting and then working with my inner critic. I want to realize sooner when it’s giving me a headache.

My Zen Community runs a weekend workshop at least once a year, if not twice, on working with the inner critic. I have known about the workshop for sometime, but have found one excuse or another for not attending. One happens to be coming up and after this week’s conversation with my mother, I registered for it.

The retreat is in about six weeks. I’m both looking forward to it and not. I’m excited about learning some new tools to healing this aspect of myself. I also am anxious about staying at the monastery for the first time and about having to reveal and be present as myself in front of a group. All in all, I think it will be a good experience.

I’ll be sure to post here about my expereinces after the workshop.

The Evening News

I’m very thankful to not be a famous person. I’m able to move about with relative anonymity. The messy details of my personal life, with all its mistakes and wonders are private and I’m able to share them by choice. I can’t imagine the kind of pressure it creates for those who do not have this choice.

There is a notable exception to this, however. It’s the news coverage of my father’s murder-for-hire plot, his subsequent arrest and resulting prison sentence. News of his arrest appeared in the local Sacramento newspaper and the evening news. Some months later, after his sentencing, the evening news in the Bay Area, where I was living at the time, did an extended story, complete with undercover video footage that I hadn’t previously known even existed.

When I first found out about the story I was very angry. I felt violated. Here they were broadcasting footage of our family’s shop (part of the undercover footage; my father had conversations with the under cover “hitman” there). Once my initial anger subsided I realized that they were trying to make a decent point: that crimes of the sort my father committed (solicitation of murder) do not carry a strong enough penalty in California. So I was left with just a strangeness and an uneasiness. I haven’t watched the video in a while. I used to watch it when I would find myself missing or otherwise thinking about my father. It’s actually the most recent thing I have connecting me to him, as strange as that sounds. I can’t recall the last conversation we had. It was probably some time in 2000, at the latest. I did go to his arraignment, but we did not speak. It is so very odd to see your father in an orange prison jumpber and shakles.

Last week it came to my attenion that the local evening news in Sacramento had run another story about my father. It’s shorter than the previous news segment, but nevertheless unnerved me in the same way. I can’t quite figure out why such a piece of information is news worthy. Over the years I’ve tried to distance myself (both figuratively and litterally) from the chaos and violence that my father brought upon me and the rest of my family. But yet I can’t escape it entirely, because at any time some tv news station might decide to do another story on it. Or I’ll have a flashback. Or a memory will resurface. Or someone will issue a turn of phase in a stern voice and it will remind me of my father, and of being a frightened child.

When I watched the most recent news clip, I found myself asking the same set of “why” and “how” questions. How could my parent do something so wicked, so contrary to life as to want my other parent murdered? Why does a tv news reported get an opportunity to speak to my father when I do not? The list goes on and on.

What I’m realizing it that I’m never going to know the answers to those questions. They are unanserable. And in actually, I’m asking those questions as a way to re-invent the past, to change what cannot be changed. Asking those questions keeps me out of the present moment.

So wait I’m going to from now on when those questions start spinning around in my head is sit and focus on my body. I’ll concentrate on how it’s feeling in the present moment. I’ll follow my breath. I’ll notice any spots of tension. I’ll notice what kinds of feelings come up. And I’ll stop trying to answer those unanswerable questions.