Author: Christie Koehler

software engineer, geek, yoga practitioner, bike commuter, zen buddhist, queer, vegan, legion of tech board member, osbridge planner, engineer@ShopIgniter

Deciding to Work with My Inner Critic

I was talking with my mom this weekend about how I feel a great amount of anxiety after leading a group or even just socializing in a group setting. In these situations I don’t feel any anxiety at the time, while I’m with the group. Things are usually going well and I’m usually having a good time. The anxiety comes later, after I’ve returned home and usually when I’m settling down to sleep.

It’s during this quiet time that my inner critic starts to shout: “What have you done? You’ve given too much of yourself away.” Then a feeling of dread flows down my body and tightens in my stomach. It feels awful and makes it difficult to fall asleep. Recently I’ve been able to cope with these feelings rather well, at least compared to how I handled such anxiety in years past. I’ve become more adept at focusing on my body and noticing where it feels tension. I breathe and follow that breath in and out of my body. Eventually I’m able to fall sleep.

But I’d like to find the source of these feelings and eliminate them, or at least learn how to work with them better. I’d like to feel confident of the value I bring to a group and not feel anxious just being me and being fully present.

What really surprised me in talking with my mother about my experience is when she said she experienced something similar in the first years after she left my father. She described some of the thoughts that would come to her mind and I realized they were the same thoughts that my inner critic speaks to me. Things all along the lines of “don’t reveal too much about yourself” and “don’t tell anybody anything they don’t absolutely need to know.”

I shuddered a bit. These are all the words of my father, who drilled into us at every opportunity that we should keep our cards close to chest, never let anybody in, never foster community, etc. My father is not a well man. He fits the profile of an individual with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. He feared healthy socialization and actively dissuaded us from it and sometimes punished us for it.

So it’s no wonder that I experience anxiety when around social groups. I was already aware that I have a strong inner critic. What I realized in talking with my mother is the extent to which I often don’t perceive the presence of my inner critic. It’s more pervasive than I thought. For example, I know that I often get headaches. But yet, there will be days where I suddenly realize I’ve had a headache for the past several hours. The pain, for whatever reason, in these cases becomes a kind of background noise, casuing suffering yet going undetected.

So I’ve decided I’d like to get better at detecting and then working with my inner critic. I want to realize sooner when it’s giving me a headache.

My Zen Community runs a weekend workshop at least once a year, if not twice, on working with the inner critic. I have known about the workshop for sometime, but have found one excuse or another for not attending. One happens to be coming up and after this week’s conversation with my mother, I registered for it.

The retreat is in about six weeks. I’m both looking forward to it and not. I’m excited about learning some new tools to healing this aspect of myself. I also am anxious about staying at the monastery for the first time and about having to reveal and be present as myself in front of a group. All in all, I think it will be a good experience.

I’ll be sure to post here about my expereinces after the workshop.

The Evening News

I’m very thankful to not be a famous person. I’m able to move about with relative anonymity. The messy details of my personal life, with all its mistakes and wonders are private and I’m able to share them by choice. I can’t imagine the kind of pressure it creates for those who do not have this choice.

There is a notable exception to this, however. It’s the news coverage of my father’s murder-for-hire plot, his subsequent arrest and resulting prison sentence. News of his arrest appeared in the local Sacramento newspaper and the evening news. Some months later, after his sentencing, the evening news in the Bay Area, where I was living at the time, did an extended story, complete with undercover video footage that I hadn’t previously known even existed.

When I first found out about the story I was very angry. I felt violated. Here they were broadcasting footage of our family’s shop (part of the undercover footage; my father had conversations with the under cover “hitman” there). Once my initial anger subsided I realized that they were trying to make a decent point: that crimes of the sort my father committed (solicitation of murder) do not carry a strong enough penalty in California. So I was left with just a strangeness and an uneasiness. I haven’t watched the video in a while. I used to watch it when I would find myself missing or otherwise thinking about my father. It’s actually the most recent thing I have connecting me to him, as strange as that sounds. I can’t recall the last conversation we had. It was probably some time in 2000, at the latest. I did go to his arraignment, but we did not speak. It is so very odd to see your father in an orange prison jumpber and shakles.

Last week it came to my attenion that the local evening news in Sacramento had run another story about my father. It’s shorter than the previous news segment, but nevertheless unnerved me in the same way. I can’t quite figure out why such a piece of information is news worthy. Over the years I’ve tried to distance myself (both figuratively and litterally) from the chaos and violence that my father brought upon me and the rest of my family. But yet I can’t escape it entirely, because at any time some tv news station might decide to do another story on it. Or I’ll have a flashback. Or a memory will resurface. Or someone will issue a turn of phase in a stern voice and it will remind me of my father, and of being a frightened child.

When I watched the most recent news clip, I found myself asking the same set of “why” and “how” questions. How could my parent do something so wicked, so contrary to life as to want my other parent murdered? Why does a tv news reported get an opportunity to speak to my father when I do not? The list goes on and on.

What I’m realizing it that I’m never going to know the answers to those questions. They are unanserable. And in actually, I’m asking those questions as a way to re-invent the past, to change what cannot be changed. Asking those questions keeps me out of the present moment.

So wait I’m going to from now on when those questions start spinning around in my head is sit and focus on my body. I’ll concentrate on how it’s feeling in the present moment. I’ll follow my breath. I’ll notice any spots of tension. I’ll notice what kinds of feelings come up. And I’ll stop trying to answer those unanswerable questions.

25 Things

You’ve probably seen the “7 Things” meme on the blogs of tech folk. Well, on Facebook it’s “25 Things” and after having been tagged a number of times, I gave up and wrote my 25 things.

  1. I’m an ENFP, born in the year of the Monkey, and a Cancer with a Scorpio Moon and Aquarius rising.
  2. I was born in Alameda, California and have lived in many Northern California towns, including: Sacramento, El Cerrito, Pacifica, Davis, San Francisco. Oregon is the second state I’ve lived in.
  3. I’m the oldest of four children and two step-children and the only female among my siblings. All of my immediate family still live in California and I miss them greatly at times.
  4. I attended my first college class when I was 11. It was introduction to Political Science  at the local community college and I remember having a really difficult time taking note quickly enough. I hadn’t really learned how to take notes yet, so I think I was trying to write *everything* down.
  5. I’m a total cat person, although I love all creatures. My current cat (Atari), even though he’s only 7, has had a series of medical issues. I’ve spend thousands of dollars taking care of him, all worth it.
  6. I earned my Bachelor’s from UC Davis with a major in English. While a student at UC Davis, I helped manage the student-run film theater two years in a row.
  7. I paid for my college education entirely on my own with scholarships, government loans and by working. At one point I had three jobs while I was a full-time student.
  8. My family owned a series of business when I was young including a construction company and a print shop. I helped out with these business from an early age, earlier than I can really remember. My first job outside of my family’s business was at Radio Shack.
  9. When I was 21, my mother and father divorced. My father responded by hatching a plot to kill my mother, her divorce attorney and one other person. Thankfully, the police were alerted. My father was arrested and charged with solicitation of murder. He plea bargained and served two and a half years in a California state prison.
  10. The last time I saw my father was during his arraignment nearly seven years ago. He was wearing an orange jumper and shackles. I wasn’t able to speak to him. Sometimes I find myself wondering what he’s up to now.
  11. In 2000 I got to see my favorite band, The Cure, in concert 5 times across two continents.
  12. I grew up watching Star Trek (mostly the Next Generation) and it’s had a huge impact on my intellectual and ethical development.
  13. I love to read, both fiction and non-fiction. There are stacks of magazines and books all over my apartment. I try to read a book a week, with varied success.
  14. In 2008 I started practicing with a Zen Buddhist group. As a life-long atheist, it is a very new thing for me to have a connection to both a spiritual community and a spiritual path. I feel like I’ve found something I didn’t even know was missing from my life.
  15. I’ve nearly cried at the two Precepts/Jukai ceremonies that I’ve attended.
  16. In 2008 I also started a yoga practice. In addition to the positive physical affects, yoga has helped me feel more compassion toward my body, improved my body image, and made me feel more generally connected to my body.
  17. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of on-going childhood trauma. I have been in on-going EMDR and talk therapy for a couple of years now and have been doing very well. Still, certain circumstances are difficult (witnessing violence, large crowds, loud noises, etc.).
  18. I love working with computers and am thrilled that I am able to make a living as a freelance programmer.
  19. I’m vegan. At first, my veganism was based primarily in a concern with the environmental cost of meat and dairy production. But as I educate myself further about the ethics of animal treatment and animal rights, I think that is the paramount issue.
  20. I am still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. Increasingly, I want to find a way to bring my skills to public/community service. I’m just not sure how.
  21. In 2008 I began my first relationship with a women. It’s the most fulfilling, supportive relationship I’ve had yet and I look forward to nurturing it over the years. I, do, however, somewhat morn the final letting go of my heterosexual privileges. I look forward to a time when we can get married and enjoy the same rights as our straight counterparts.
  22. I’ve been married before, once, to my high school sweet heart. The marriage didn’t last long, however, and we were divorced in our early 20s. We didn’t have any kids (thank goodness).
  23. I very much want to start and raise a family. Much of my planning these days is about making that happen.
  24. I very much look forward to raising that family in Portland, in my newly found dharma community.
  25. In August of 2007 I was living in San Francisco and had just come back from a weekend trip to Portland. On the plane flight home I became terribly sad realizing that I did not want to leave Portland and go back to San Francisco. It was that weekend I decided to more to Portland for good. I started making plans and selling my stuff. Six weeks later the $800 Toyota I had bought to move with was packed and I drove to Oregon to start my new life. I love it here and don’t think I’ll ever leave.

In 2009 I want to…

This post is a bit late in coming as it’s already the third week in January. But, I wanted the holiday-season cobwebs to clear a bit before I clarify my 2009 goals. They are ambitious, certainly, and I present them below.

1. Attend a Beginner’s Mind retreat and one sesshin.

I’m looking forward to attending a Beginner’s Mind Retreat. It’s the shortest retreat that Great Vow offers and it follows a rather relaxed schedule (by Zen standards anyway). It’s the sesshin that I’m terrified of. Sesshins are either 7 or 10 days and follow a very rigorous schedule including many hours of sitting. You rise at 4 a.m. and do two hours of zazen just before breakfast! I know whichever sesshin I choose will be challenging and have moments of discomfort (well, probably many). But it’s a necessary and integral part of my practice. In that regard, I look forward to it. I also hope to take the 5 Precepts this year.

2. Learn the basis of three other programming languages.

The purpose of this goal is to continue to broaden my skills as a programmer. In 2008 I learned the basics of C++. In 2009 I want to step this up. I’m planning to learn the basics of Processing, Python and Ruby.

3. Participate in more community events and start speaking at them.

This community definitely includes the Portland tech community, but I would also like to look at building my connection to the LGBT community, and find additional ways to support fellow women in technology.

4. Read 50 books.

This is roughly one book per week on top of my standard blog and magazine reading.

5. Be debt free.

This is a big one. I’ve worked up a substantial debt (for me anyway) during the processes of moving to Portland and getting settled. With diligence, however, I think I can do it.

6. Explore/Join an NVC practice group.

Before I left San Francisco, I completed an introductory course in Non-violent Communication. It’s actually what originally started me on a path to practicing Zen. Now that I’m more or less settled here in Portland, I’d like to find a way to continue building my NVC skills.

7. Develop my artistic skills.

I’m not sure which form this will take. It could be as simple as continuing to write consistently in this blog. It could be voice or instrument lessons (I’ve been itching to play the trumpet again, strangely). It could be taking a painting or ceramics class. I’m not sure quite yet. I do know that it’s a side of my brain that I’d like to develop and is an integral part of Zen training as well.

8. Launch at least two of the side-project ideas that I have.

I have a list of at least a half dozen size projects, none of which I’ve brought to fruition. In 2009 I want to make time for some of these and complete at least two.

Weekly Update: 11 January

It felt good to get back to routine this week after the disruption of snowpocalypse and the holidays. I do enjoy those adventures, but find that I miss the touchstones of practice (work, yoga, zazen) that normally comprise my week. I feel strange and cluttered without them.

So on Monday is was nice to go into the office. I have three office mates, but was still the only one working in the office. I would be joined on Tuesday by one of my office mates, which was nice. It gets lonely when I am there for several days at a time by myself. Tuesday night Sherri and I met for lunch and walked over to Whole Foods to enjoy lunch in their eating area (which has the microwave that my office lacks). I enjoyed some leftover bbq rice and beans while Sherri enjoyed a tofu salad with pita.

On Wednesday we both went to our usual level 1 class at Prananda yoga. I haven’t done yoga it a couple of weeks and it felt great. A nice easy class. Afterwards we made a yummy ginger stir-fry with black-eyed peas and barley.

Thursday was a busy day. I worked at home in the morning and then had back-to-back web development meetings in the afternoon. The later meeting was to work on the site plan for my sangha’s new website. I’m very excited to be working on this project. I think it’s an area to which I can contribute in a way that will be very beneficial for our members. This motivates me and keeps me very focused on making steady forward progress.

Friday I also worked at home, developing the database schema for the rewrite of a client’s web application. I’m also enjoying working on this project. It’s the first time I’ve been able to work closely with another developer, and I like the energy that our collaboration brings. I also worked with the veterinarian to get Atari some medication for his UTI (for which I noticed symptoms the previous night).

Saturday was a ‘me’ day. I spent the whole day at home reading and relaxing. I read Gregory Berns’ Iconoclast and started Percival Everett’s The Water Cure.  Sherri arrived after her yoga teacher training and we enjoyed a dinner of roasted delicata squash with sauteed zucchini over quinoa. We also watched the first part of The Story of India.

On Sunday after Sherri taught yoga while I ran errands, we visited the Portland Art Museum where we tried to see the Wild Beauty exhibit which was closing today. Unforunately we’d procrastinated too long and no more tickets were available for this limited exhibition. We recovered from our brief disappointment and had a nice time looking at the Asian and Native American art exhibits.

Right now I’m waiting for Sherri to arrive home after a staff meeting. The apartment smells wonderful because I have an Andean Squash and Bean stew simmering on the stove.

Next week looks to be very busy. There’s the the GeekGirls lunch on Monday that I’ve wanted to attend for a while, but haven’t made the time. And then Full Moon Yoga that evening. On Tuesday there are two user groups meetings that I must decide between: the PHP user group and the Portland Data Plumber’s group. I’m more interested the the latter, so that’s probably the one I’ll attend.

And of course Battlestar Galactica starts its final run this Friday! Sherri and I haven’t figured out where we’re watching it quite yet. The Baghdad is showing it, so that’s one possibility.

Weekly Update: 4 January

My plan is to write a weekly update every Sunday. This is the first one.

Why a weekly update? As I mentioned in a previous post, one of my Ango commitments was to start a daily writing practice. I didn’t do so well at this commitment. I wrote here and there, but not even close to every day. So I’m setting a slightly more manageable goal: to write at least weekly (per blog, ideally). Once I’m doing this on a regular basis, I can work on increasing the frequency gradually until I’m writing every day.

Last week was fairly busy. It was the first time in over two weeks that I worked in my office, and even then only during part of the day. The office is cold and lonely. My office mates haven’t been working there due to the weather and holidays as well. I interviewed a few developers for an open contract position that I have open.

On Wednesday (New Year’s Eve) I worked at home. Sherri arrived in the later part of the afternoon and we prepared an African Peanut Stew and Matcha Cupcakes for the NYE festivities at the Dharma center. Every year ZCO and Dharma Rain host a New Year’s Eve get together. It includes a potluck, dancing, a ceremony welcoming the new year and, of course, silent meditation.

Sherri and I arrived just at 7pm. Already there were a number of people in attendance, though I think many of them were ordained members of both groups. Usually there isn’t such a high concentration of ordained individuals at Downtown center events, but most everyone comes down from the Monastery for New Year’s. Sherri and I set our dishes out and the started socializing. Sometime later Hogen called everyone to attention, we chanted our meal chant and then everyone lined up for food. Sherri and I were delighted to find a number of vegan dishes and shared a large plate of our stew, a nice noodle dish, a quinoa salad and brussell sprouts, among other things. Most people sat on the floor and I felt a great sense of closeness and community.

Around 8:30 or so, Chozen annonced that she would lead a series of circle dances upstairs in the zendo. Those who wanted to participate headed upstairs, including Sherri and myself. I really enjoyed the circle dances. They were simple, communal and fun. I liked singing along and laughing with everyone when we tried to rember if we were a “1” or a “2” (in one dance, 1’s did a particular move at one time, and then 2’s at another time).

After the circle dancing DT distributed slips of paper and pens. Hogen instructed us to write down anything that we wanted to let go of from 2008. During this time people also worked to put the zendo back together (cushions in the right place, etc.) and to clean up from the potluck. I’m starting to think Zen centers are among of the most efficiently run places on earth! Slowly people gathered in the zendo and sat quietly waiting for the next, more formal portion of the evening to begin. Next the teachers arrived and sat down. Then we began the fusatsu ceremony, which is a ceremony of attonement and renewal of vows. There is a lot of bowing. Really. I’ve completed this ceremony once before, at the beginning of Ango and had forgotten how much bowing there is. Additionally, during the latter part of the ceremony we lined up (row by row, as instructed), approached the alter, lit the pieces of paper we’d written on earlier and dropped them into the fire. As people did this we chanted the Gatha of Atonement over and over again:

All evil karma ever committed by me since of old,
Because of my beginningless greed, anger, and ignorance,
Born of my body, mouth, and thought,
Now I atone for it all.

Then we sat two periods of Zazen (separated by a wiggle bell, rather than the usual walking meditation). This particular zazen was fairly challenging. I was cold and it was late so I was very tired. I must have yawned 20 times during the last period. Plus something I’d eaten earlier was giving my intestines a particularly bad time and they wouldn’t be comfortable or quiet.

Finally the new year arrived. The monastics served apple cider to everyone, one by one, in the style of a tea ceremony. I thought this was lovely. There’s something very powerful about the silence and the simple offering. By this time it was well passed midnight so Sherri and I collected our things and headed home.

The next day we slept in a bit and then headed off to Eugene. I’m going to write about our Eugene trip in a different post. Saturday we hurried home and I dropped off Sheri at her class just a bit late. After dinner, Sherri and I watched quite a bit of What About Me?, the follow-up to 1 Giant Leap. I can’t recommend these two films enough. Check them out if you have the chance.

Today ended up being unexpectedly busy. I tagged along with Sherri to SE Portland where she had a hair appointment. Afterwords we did a bit of shopping at Powell’s on Hawthorne where I picked up a handful of trade edition sci-fi books that I’d been wanting. Then we headed over to Tao of Tea’s Teahouse and Restaurant where we enjoyed a pot of second flush Darjeeling, a pot of 500 Mile Chai with rice milk, along with a very tasty lunch. Refueled and caffinated, we headed off to Bed, Bath and Beyond to look for a small pressure cooker for me. Having no luck there, we walked over to Target. Here we picked up a few essentials and spent a bunch of time trying on things we didn’t en up buying.

This weeks reads included Percival Everett’s Wounded.

Year-end Review for 2008

Steven, Sherri new Portland friends

2008 was a very busy year for me. I can tell this simply by looking at my Flickr account. I usually make a set per outing or trip and for 2008 I had 15 separate sets. In 2007 I only had five.

Although I moved to Portland in October of 2007, it was really in January when I started to settle in and make Portland my new home. Prior to this was the hassle of moving for the second time in two months, finding an office, and traveling back home to California for a couple of weeks to celebrate the holidays with family and friends.

My first road trip in 2008 was to the Evergreen Aviation Museum. The museum is home to a number of aircraft, including the SR-71 Blackbird, but it’s main claim to fame is the Spruce Goose. I tried to get some good photo graphs of the aircraft, but it was just too big to capture with my tiny point and shoot camera. It’s so big, in fact, that I couldn’t see the SR-71 at all until we walked to the other side of the Spruce Goose. I highly recommend the Evergreen Aviation Museum. It’s a fun day trip from Portland and not too long of a drive through some very beautiful wine country.

Sherri and Christie waiting for the MAX
Sherri and Christie

It also turns out that this outing was the first date I had with my future beloved, Sherri. We’d gone hiking together a few weeks earlier, but shortly afterward we had the nerve-racking yet glorious I-like-you-you-like-me-too conversation. We’ve been dating ever since. This relationship is a milestone for me in a number of ways. For one, my beloved is the first woman I’ve ever dated. And this is the most well-adjusted and mutually supportive relationship I’ve ever had. I’m grateful everyday for it and see lots of good things in our future together.

In the spring I took the Mazamas Basic Climbing Education Course (BCEP). The Mazamas is a well-established mountaineering club based here in Portland. Every year they run a six-week introductory mountaineering course.

Climbing at Horsethief
Climbing at Horsethief

It’s incredibly well-priced (in my opinion) and open to a range of ages and fitness levels. In many ways the course was extremely challenging. Prior to taking the course, I had very little if any outdoor experience, so in many ways I felt a bit under prepared. I hated the rock-climbing portions of the course. But I loved the snow sessions we did on Mount Hood. I didn’t manage to make it on an actual climb in 2008, but would like to try for 2009. At least once anyway.

View of the Gorge
View of the Gorge from Oneota Gorge

2008 also saw a number of hikes around the Portland area, mostly in the Columbia River Gorge, but also elsewhere. Some destinations were: Hamilton Mountain, Dog Mountain (with snow), Oeneota Gorge, Squaw Mountain, and aborted Larch Mountain hike (snow, again), Tyron Creek, and a handful of easy hikes in Forest Park.

Jizo at Great Vow Monastery
Jizo at Great Vow Monastery

I began three notable practices in 2008, all related: I became vegan, started doing yoga and started sitting with a Zen Buddhist group. These three practices have made an immeasurably positive impact on my life. Even as inchoate as these practices feel (being vegan is about 10 months old, the other two a little over six), I can feel a greater sense of equanimity about myself. I endeavor to continue, nurture and grow these practices throughout 2009.

At the night market in Vancouver, BC
At the night market in Vancouver, BC

Often I like to travel for my birthday, so this June Sherri and I took a trip to Vancouver, British Columbia. We drove up in a rental car and rented a flat for five days. It was a fantastic trip. I really enjoyed getting to spend five days straight with my sweetie and Vancouver is a beautiful, wonderful city. The only real annoyance about the trip was waiting in traffic to get back through the U.S. border. That and I think I gained two pounds by eating lots of vegan halvah available at one of the restaurants near where we stayed.

Other fun Portland day trips included trips to Sauvie Island (for picking raspberries) and to Kiyokawa Orchards in Hood River county (to pick apples). Sherri and I even managed to make a weekend trip to the SF Bay Area in order to meet each other’s friends.

2008 also saw the stabilizing of my young freelancing business. I learned a lot about what to do and what not to do and have forged a great relationship with a couple of clients. I’m also slowly learning about and becoming involved in the Portland tech scene.

In October I traveled to the Bay Area once again to attend the surprise party for a close friend’s 30th birthday and was reminded of the value friendship.

Mom and Me and the Chinese Garden
Mom and Me and the Chinese Garden

In November, my folks visited for what might become their annual Portland trip and we had a wonderful time visiting the Saturday Market, Powell’s and the Chinese Classical Garden. They also met my girlfriend for the first time, which went very well. It met a lot to me that they visited and specifically noted how happy I am in Portland and how well I seem to be settling in.

Christie in Snowy Oldtown Portland
Christie in Snowy Oldtown Portland

December ended with a crazy snow storm that dropped several inches of snow in metro Portland (very uncommon) over two weeks. Locals humorously referred to it as “snopacalpyse” and “snowmaggedon,” while the resulting melt was referred to as “thawnami.” Portlanders sure like to make up new words. I left shortly after the snow began to attend my mother’s graduation (a Master’s in counseling) and then became stuck in Sacramento for a few unfortunate days. Fortunately I was able to find someone to rideshare with on Craigslist and we arrived safely in Portland after a relatively uneventful drive up (except of course for installing chains and driving through 50 miles of snow). Sherri and I spent a very quiet Christmas together hangout in the flat trying not to eat too many Christmas cookies.

Potted Doug Fir Decorated for Xmas
Potted Doug Fir Decorated for Xmas

Returning to Practice

All last week I was in Sacramento to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my family. I typically look forward to this time of year. It’s one of the only times where my brothers and I are all in one location. We’re able to catch up with one another and just enjoy each other’s company. We break out our old Magic the Gathering cards and much merriment is had.

This last visit, however, was a bit rough. I worked really hard the previous week in order to catch up on enough work so that I wouldn’t have to do any work, or very little, while in Sacramento. In doing so, I managed to become fatigued enough to catch a cold. So I arrived in Sacramento already feeling run down and having missed at least one of my regular yoga classes.

Despite packing my zafu and chant book, I neglected to sit the entire time I was in Sacramento. Not feeling well combined with the absence of the usual containers of routine and community all contributed to this. But ultimately I just did not feel like it and gave into this feeling.

Instead I watched movies, socialized, cooked, ate a few too many chocolate chip cookies, you know, the usual family holiday activities.

However, as the week went on, I felt myself become more stressed out and I continued to wait for an energy to magically return. It never did. I felt tired, fat and not very good about myself. I arrived back in Portland feeling just awful.

But starting on Monday, I was able to turn these feelings around. I made myself sit nearly everyday this week. I’ve returned (albeit gradually) to my exercise routine. I missed my mid-week yoga class to spend time with Sherri, but plan to go to yoga tomorrow. And, this evening as I settled in to my cushion and heard the bell ring for the start of the first meditation period, I could feel my mind settle and could feel my energy level rising. I felt present again. Whole. Energetic. Worthwhile.

I’m writing this as a reminder to myself: Always return to practice. It doesn’t matter what I did yesterday, or what I will do tomorrow. Only the present moment matters and it’s always available, should we choose to be in it.